Tag: life

Missa Bestialis

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The World I Have Arrived From
from dusk to dawn
from dawn to dusk
the same thing I’ve heard on all radio stations
I could no longer stop the device
to interrupt myself I could not do it –
my angry eyes flash
I look around
at the slattern world where
such as my ancestors’ sins
humbly I’ve tried to feel at home
hatred was boiling within me:
in tin pots pooped diapers
trapped the boar thrust its fangs
in its own body
sympathetic and in amazement
speechless
in pubs beautiful boar trophies
stared at me forcing me
that again through their eyes
I look at myself
his fiery sword in paradise
obliged me in the heat of the hangover
he thought of the taste of the apple
what else could be more delicious
than drained pressed guaranteed
lower prices
and only the spoiled God knows
a sickened face and which sin
they caught the fly webbed in honey
the chill of terror
accompanied me out of
the mazy ruin of upsets
where even the dead-end streets have exits
until I struggled with my
unknotted shoelaces
and the last guest bid farewell
slurping the last drop of alcohol off huckleberries
from glasses filthy with fingerprints
I hated them
that with all my might against the wall
I hit my head
I abandoned my body weakened of pain
I ran off and
once more I sat on the cliff tilted toward the valley
I waited
for the phantom to come closer but I couldn’t see it
magnificent the sunset
on the canvas of my sights and mane’s aura
dragging silky doilies
came toward me and
with my eyes goggling
I stared but I could not discern its features
although familiar
I’ve tried to remember and
more impatiently I was waiting
for the date
I stood up
then sat down
I rubbed my hands
and bit my lips
and when the vivid red jelly of the dusk
came closer to me
it sank on the dark falling curtain
only onesmiling star coldly shone
I shivered in the thin coat
and to rest I receded
in fact I converted myself
although peace was not eager to settle
but unleashed monsters
that greeted us
emerging from the unfathomable
mist of the matter and
I had already run among houses
under the heavy silence
and I tried to scream
over sleepy towns
but I’d forgotten the words
that in such occasions were appropriate
I yelped like a newborn puppy
tardy passers-by
eyed me with compassion
hurriedly going before me
to their homes or someone else’s
the night turned colder
I grabbed my Chinese agenda
I searched a familiar name
a number I could dial
strangers were moving at the other
end of the line ( ) the laugh of nothingness
God frowning looked at me
from the menacing tower
high above me He yelped
that even the vagabond cats hissed
their tails between their legs
jumped and disappeared in their dark
nooks and the world I have arrived from
after closing time, the world
I searched for was
a place where ________

Still Waters

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excerpt

man of the board. As she returned to her place, she blinked back
tears. Suddenly, the stress and excitement of the last few days – even
the last few months – overwhelmed her. The culmination of three
years of nurses’ training, the anxiety over her parents’ animosity towards
the man she loved, the disappointment that one of her two
best friends could not be graduating tonight, all gathered into a river
of tears that rose in Tyne’s throat and threatened to gush from her
eyes. Panicked, she darted a glance at Moe, and was saved by another
broad wink and a cheeky grin from her friend.
Good old Moe. Thank you, kid.
As graduate after graduate walked to the podium, Tyne tried not
to think of Carol Ann who should be with the nurses in the last row,
soon going forward to receive the coveted diploma. But, thanks to
Bryce Baldwin, Curly’s dream had died with her unborn child.
Tyne tried to shake the negative thoughts. After all, Bryce had not
acted alone, and Curly must certainly have been a willing partner.
And it was hardly his fault that she had resorted to the measures she
had to get rid of the baby. He had suggested she get an abortion but
he could not make her do it.
Tyne now remembered that a few days after her confrontation
with Dr. Baldwin in the nursery, she had begun to harbour guilt
feelings about the anger she felt towards him. She had finally gone
to confess her uncharitable thoughts to a priest. Father O’Malley
had been stern, and had given her much greater penance than Tyne
thought she deserved. She left the confessional with equally negative
thoughts about the priest, and for a moment she wondered if she
should go back and confess that, too.
However, only hours after her confession, the anger began to surface
again. This time, Tyne told herself she had a right to be angry.
After all, was there not such a thing as righteous anger? Had not Jesus
been angry with the money changers in the temple? So why should
she not be angry with Bryce Baldwin after the way he had treated her
friend?
But she found no peace from holding the grudge, and she recognized
that Morley’s influence was having an impact on her conscience.
Jesus had told his disciples they must forgive. Not seven
times, he had told Peter, but seventy times seven. Tyne finally realized
that she had to forgive Dr. Baldwin.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1926763068

Jazz with Ella

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ROSTOV-NA-DONU, JULY 13, 1974
The Canadian student tour group were old hands at Soviet travel by the time their plane left Leningrad bound for Rostov-na-Donu in the Ukraine. The usual plump stewardesses, more relaxed on this domestic flight, handed out the usual sticky candy. The students played the now familiar game of who had the functioning seatbelts. David had no seatbelt, and he threatened to hang on to Paul’s leg for the duration of the flight should they meet turbulence.
Despite the gloom of parting from Volodya, Jennifer’s spirits lifted slightly. The plane was full of Ukrainians returning home—women in harem pants, swarthy men with metallic, toothy grins carrying bundles, carpets and, in one case, something alive in a cage that screeched at intervals. The passengers moved around the plane freely, paying no attention to the attendant yelling at them.
Jennifer wasn’t the only one who was mourning the loss of a friend in Leningrad. Ted had ended his stay there at a party with students from the institute. He had met them on the street, and over some powerful moonshine liquor they had discoursed heavily on the problems of the cold war and had resolved to bring peace to their various countries. Unfortunately, Ted couldn’t quite recall how they had proposed achieving this lofty aim. Lona had also found some friends in Moscow, it seemed, and was only now telling the group about them. Jennifer wondered if Lona would have admitted the liaison if she had not been spotted outside the hotel with a group of sharp and eager young men whom everyone suspected of being some kind of confidence tricksters. If anyone can take care of herself, it’s Lona, thought Jennifer, and she wondered if Lona’s swains had asked her to help them leave the country. Then, in an attempt to shake off…

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1926763246

Ken Kirkby, A Painter’s Quest for Canada

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“Sure. I’ll be happy to try that, but you know that while I’m doing that
I won’t be painting.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Fraser said.
“I’m not worried. I just don’t want you to get in a huff about not having
enough paintings.”
“I said don’t worry. I’ll make it worth your while.”
“That’s not what I mean. I’m happy to do it for you in return for what
you’re doing for me. And I don’t want any money for it.”
“You don’t want any money! Well, I never – a man who doesn’t want
money. So what do you want?”
“I just don’t want you to get upset when my painting production falls
off because I’m doing other things for you.”
“Of course, I’ll be upset at your lack of paintings. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“But that’s not reasonable!”
“It’s quite reasonable in light of how you present yourself – as the one
apart – the one to whom the rules don’t apply – the one who walked in
here without an appointment. There isn’t a painter in the country that
would dare do that. And, your shenanigans in the Peace River Country
– and your wanderings in the Arctic – as if you owned the bloody place.
You put yourself forward, with a quiet aloofness, as the man who can do
everything and anything, so I’m sure it won’t be any kind of a trick for
you to be in two places at the same time, doing two different things at the
same time.”
“Well,” Ken said. “That’s not how I see myself.”
“Fine. But I’m only telling you how you portray yourself.”
“If I was who you say I am, I’d be able to get my Arctic paintings and
stories out to the public, and I can’t.”
“Your Arctic paintings are the only tentative part of you. You haven’t
come to terms with that subject. You’re unsure and it shows. Everything
else you paint is clear, simple, strong and sure-footed. But don’t be concerned.
In good time, all of this will look after itself. With your confidence
and your bloody single-mindedness, you’ll work your way through it. But
right now, you’re not there and I will neither show them nor recommend
them. In that area you have a long way to go.”
That evening, he related the conversation to Helen.
She laughed. “Don’t tell me you’re surprised. You have an ego as big as
the world. You’re full of yourself. The long and short of it is that you’re
arrogant. Alex is right. You wander into a place, you give it the once-over
and all of a sudden, you’re going to fix everything, you’re in control, and
you’ll take care of it. That’s what it looks like from the outside.”
“It does?”
“Yes, it does. And what do you have in mind anyway? Where are you
heading with all this?”

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981073573

Jazz with Ella

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said Chopyk with only a hint of irony. He stroked his beard and stared at her with curiosity in his eyes. “I understand from Maria that you have a class scheduled for this morning.”
“Yes,” replied Jennifer tersely. Don’t explain, don’t apologize. Last night is none of his business. “I want to hear the students’ experiences in Leningrad. I have my own to share, too.”
“But I also know that you have been cancelling classes while in Leningrad….”
“As we discussed that first night,” she broke in quickly, starting across the lobby.
“Yes, agreed…but….” Chopyk followed, taking small, deliberate steps beside her. She matched his fussy gait. What is this nonsense all about? Surely he isn’t going to punish me?
“Since I have been carrying on with classes while in Leningrad for any who care to study,” he sniffed, “I think it only right that you should lead both groups, juniors and seniors, while on the Volga cruise.”
So that was it. Once again, he had hit her at her most guilty moment. He wanted to lounge on the sundeck reading his academic papers and not have to deal with a pack of rowdy students.
“Certainly. I’d be happy to do that,” she answered. “I know how one’s research suffers when class prep is a priority,” she added archly. He appeared not to notice her tone of voice. They entered the dining room in silence.
★
That morning she ended her class by presenting a poem that Volodya had written out for her: an excerpt from “Spring in Leningrad” by the Russian war poet, Margarita Aliger. Jennifer told the students the story of the Leningrad mother who had suffered during the siege and how her son, Volodya, had been moved by this poem. Despite her own sense of loss, Hank’s bad mood and Ted’s hangover, the students rallied and they recited it in Russian, then took a stab at translating it.
“O city without light, without water!
One hundred and twenty five grams of blockade rationed bread…
Savage rumbling of trouble
from the pitiless, dead sky.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1926763246

Water in the Wilderness

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She sat down on the sofa and stretched her legs out in front of her. Actually, it did feel good to rest. She had been a little tired and weary in the last few weeks, but she knew it was only because her body was going through hormonal changes. Dr. Rosthern had pronounced her perfectly healthy.
Stifling a yawn, she glanced at her husband. “What did your mom say when you told her we won’t be with them for Christmas dinner? Was she very disappointed?”
Morley looked up. “She said she understands, and she figured we’d be going to your folks this year. And Mom and Dad won’t be alone all day. Aunt Peg and her two daughters will be there for dinner.”
“And we’ll go over in the evening after you’ve done the milking?”
“Of course we will, hon. I told Mom that, and she’s okay with it.”
Tyne yawned again, then getting to her feet, she went to stand behind Morley and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “And you, my dear husband, will be taking me Christmas shopping in Medicine Hat tomorrow, won’t you?”
He tipped his head back to look at her. “Whatever happened to shopping from Eaton’s catalogue like my mom used to do?”
Tyne wrinkled her nose. “In case you haven’t noticed, we’re past the middle of the twentieth century. Besides that, I love the excitement of Christmas shopping in the city, the store windows all decorated, and Santa ringing his bell beside the Salvation Army kettle on the sidewalk.”
His eyes were full of laughter. “I hope you’re not disappointed then. We’re going to Medicine Hat, not Calgary.”
“Same thing – you’ll see.” Tyne bent her head to kiss him lightly on the forehead. “Now I must get my beauty sleep if I’m going to be at my shopping best tomorrow. Don’t be long, dear. Let’s finish the tree tomorrow night.”
Morley smiled as his eyes followed her progress up the stairs.
The town of Medicine Hat almost lived up to Tyne’s expectations. The windows were decorated, carols were playing in the stores as well as on the sidewalks, and a fresh fall of snow during the night had left

https://www.amazon.com/dp/192676319X

Jazz with Ella

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“Sit with me here on this bench,” he said, taking her hand gently. “You asked to know about me and my family. So look around you. Except for my mother and aunt, most of my family are here. My father fought the fascists—just outside of the city. He wasn’t a brave man. He had no choice. To serve in the army was better than dying in Leningrad.”
“And your mother?”
“She survived the siege. She had no food except the ration. She didn’t get skinny though. She puffed up, she told me, her legs swollen—and her face, too—with disease.”
At that moment, Jennifer could feel a disease working through her own body in sympathy, a horrible nausea, her head heavy, her arms like lead, then only emptiness.
Volodya went on: “That first winter, 1941, she told me that many people froze to death on the streets. Those who survived were too weak to bury the others. So they just stepped over the dead on their way to stand in the food lines.”
“But she lived?”
“Somehow she lived. When the city was liberated, my father returned and nursed her back to health. He had an army ration; it was only a little more food than the usual ration. He died two years after I was born in 1947. He had been wounded in the chest. He couldn’t breathe.”
“That’s ghastly. So your mother had to raise you by herself?”
“Yes, she and her sister. But I don’t tell you for pity. This is what I want to tell you.” He stood up. “Look around here—at this memorial. All the memorials around town are built in honour of our glorious fallen comrades. So many memorials for the dead.”
Jennifer had a glimmer of understanding now. She shook off the nausea.
“A few years ago I looked at how my mother was living—how damp is her apartment, how she still stands in line for food, and I decide to write to Comrade Brezhnev. I asked him how come so many things are done for the dead and so little for the living.” Jennifer shifted uneasily. “Soon two special men came to my mother’s door. You know what this means, special men?”
“KGB,” she whispered.
“Yes, they question my mother. What is her son doing? Does he make trouble? The neighbours see these men come to the apartment.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1926763246

Poodie James

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“Those people didn’t buy a car, did they Irv?”
“They said they’d be back tomorrow, Mr. Torgerson.”
“They won’t be back, Irv. They’ll go down the street to Pearson’s
and buy a Mercury, maybe even a Lincoln, because you didn’t
cinch that deal, Irv. You’ve got to cinch those deals, Irv.”
“I do my best.”
“Your best is going to have to get better, Irv. You call those people
tonight and you get ’em back in here tomorrow. You tell ’em
you’ll make a deal they’ll like, Irv. I want to see ’em sitting at that
table signing things.”
“They’re from up the river.”
“You find ’em. You get ’em in here again. You sell ’em a
Packard.”
“I’ll do my best, Mr. Torgerson.”
“I know you will, Irv.”
The salesman turned back into the show room. Torgerson’s
voice tracked him.
“Irv, I just know you will.”
Maybe it was because times were good, Torgerson thought, or
maybe it was because the mayor job brought him attention, but
Packard sales were up almost 20 percent over two years ago. A
third of the way through his first term, he was mapping out his
next campaign. Only I’ll really run, he thought. Last time was a
fluke, I know that. Ken Spear, he’s the one who could take it away,
but I don’t think he realizes it. Somebody will tell him. You can
count on that, because a lot of people would like me out. I piss off
too many of them. But, that’s what happens when you make waves
in a little town.
Torgerson looked up from his musing. Poodie James was passing
in front of the window. Torgerson moved through the show
room and out onto the sidewalk just as Poodie stopped his wagon
and reached into the used car lot for a Coke bottle standing in front
of a ’41 Ford Roadster. Torgerson charged over and stepped in
front of him.
“Get out of my lot,” he yelled. “Go on, get out of here. Go on.”

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08W7SHCMV

The Circle

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HAKIM ISONHISWAY to the Sheraton Hotel to meet his uncle so they can go
together to the medical center. He’s worried about what they will find out, but he
doesn’t want this to show. He wants to be courageous and strong for his uncle.
They arrive by limousine and a specialist meets them in a consultation room.
He confirms what’s already known about the tumor in Ibrahim’s liver. He
indicates it’s a very small-sized malignancy. At this stage, it’s unclear what type of
cancer it is, but he confirms that the tumor is a new type they don’t know very
much about. Therefore, it would be inappropriate for him to tell Ibrahim with any
certainty that it will respond positively to the new chemotherapy. For that reason,
he’ll start Ibrahim on a light dose. The specialist has arranged for Ibrahim to be
admitted to a private clinic where the medication is to be administered, and he’ll
be monitored twenty-four hours a day.
The specialist stops briefly, but continues to look at Ibrahim and Hakim to
ensure that, so far, everything is understood. Then he carries on.
“If we see that the drug doesn’t produce any adverse effects, the second dose,
and the third and fourth, can be given orally in the form of a pill that you can take
on your own, in the comfort of your own home. However, the first time the drug
is administered, we would like to monitor you very closely at the clinic. I’ll leave
you alone for a few minutes to absorb what I’ve told you. Then I’ll return with
further instructions.”
He gets up and the other two follow him out of the consultation room.
Hakim turns and gazes him. Ibrahim is pale and shaken. This is the first time
Hakim sees his uncle with fear in his eyes. The pride and gracefulness that he
possessed are gone. A layer of fear has taken over like a black shroud covering the
old man’s eyes.
“I wouldn’t worry they do miracles with medicine these days.” Hakim says
trying to relieve his uncle’s gloom.
“I guess so,” his uncle nods in agreement. “But, it means I cannot go home yet.”
“When were you planning to go home?”
“As soon as I’m done with these guys dear boy; Mara is most anxious for me
to get home; however, now she has to wait for a few more days.”
“You have to be here for only one or two more days so they can see …

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0978186524

Water in the Wilderness

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Jeff’s lean face took on a scowl, but his eyes twinkled. “I’ll thank you not to malign my good old Chevy, young lady. Sure, I still have it. It’s safe and sound in the shed in the back yard.”
Tyne groaned. “I might have known.”
Jeff’s long, slender body reclined against the back of his swivel desk chair. “So what brings you here? Have you been to see your mother?”
“Yes, I just left her. Aunt Millie was there, so we had a good visit. And as for what brings me here – Morley and I would like you all to come to dinner on Sunday evening.”
For just a moment, Jeff looked at her, then he swung his chair towards his typewriter at the side of his desk, and began to hit the keyboard with one determined finger.
Tyne took a deep breath. “Will you come, Dad?”
“I thought you have dinner at noon on the farm,” he said without looking at her.
“We usually do. But we’ll have a light meal after church, and dinner in the evening.”
The typewriter keys flew over the page in the carriage, surprisingly fast for one finger typing. Tyne waited. Finally, her dad turned to face her.
“I don’t know if I can make it … deadline, you know.”
Tyne tried to keep the exasperation out of her voice. “It’s Sunday, Dad. The paper doesn’t come out until Wednesday.” She sat forward. “Look, you’ve been out to the farm only once, and that was just after we were married to bring some of my things. Morley and I have been to see you and Mom several times. Just for a change, I’d like to cook dinner for my family.” She sat back in her chair, and said quietly, “You’re part of my family.”
Jeff drew his lips together in a tight line. “Have you asked your mother?”
“Yes I did. She’d like to come but she said she’d leave it up to you.” As always, Tyne thought. In that respect Emily Milligan had not changed.
Jeff nodded. “I’ll think about it. Your mother will call you tomorrow.” He turned back to his typewriter.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/192676319X